Quest In Reality

little-self

little-self
Umeshwari No talks now. We have enough time for that. Now I want to lie in your arms and be loved. Tell me frankly; you are a seasoned man, have you loved other women, I mean the way you love me?
Shantnu I might have had some experience with fair sex, but love, I don’t remember even if my memory is lost! Fullness of love should have been there, had I loved someone!
Both sat in that condition till there were voices of approaching steps. She covered her body and went out. Gopi had brought their dinner. After finishing their meals of boiled vegetables and salad they went for a walk.
Umeshwari looked beautiful in slacks and top. Occasionally her cheeks would resemble the color of her royal apples, under whose blossoming they were passing by.
They went to their rooms early. At about ten in the night she came in his room through open doors and lay beside him. He turned his back and they were face-to-face, and automatically positioned to rest on his stretched right arm.
Both embraced each other in an intensity that spoke of their normalcy established in such a short span of time. She shied under his touches and avoided the direct touhnes. Having assimilated their body warmth, she made some tender probing. Her delicate sensitive touches sent his body crazy and she felt afraid when he….
Umeshwari You won’t molest me!
Shantnu No, my cherry. Don’t be afraid.
Umeshwari Don’t you want to …?
Shantnu No. You are so chaste and beautiful. I don’t want to soil you.
Umeshwari That is why I love you more. I have implicit faith in you. I can do; anything to please you.
Shantnu Even if I wanted sexual relation?
Umeshwari Even if I don’t like, but still I would do anything! Take me if you want.
Shantnu No, Umesh, I just want you, not your modesty. That is your amour. I don’t want to steel it away. Be calm and enjoy the moments.
Umeshwari I want to remember every moment, but I feel guilty about it.
Shantnu Why, my dear, why guilt feeling? You have done nothing unnatural?
Umeshwari Since childhood, I have felt that way. Don’t you feel sinful by lying with a person, with whom you are not lawfully wedded?
Shantnu Then, here is the cinch, you have also given dreadful names to natural acts!
Umeshwari It is natural between husband and wife. But sinful for others if they behave like that without being wed!
Shantnu Tell me what your problem is? Some nasty experience during childhood!
Umeshwari My parents were very religious. They were always engaged in God/Goddesses Puja (ritual worship) on every auspicious day. Morning-evening I had to read religious scriptures. My mother was very adept in them. One night, I shook out of a frightening dream and went to my parent’s room. What I saw was very sinful and had since been etched in my memory. I was then twelve and just had my first period. My mother was sleeping on my father and playing sinful games. I just stood there under the covers of the door curtains and watched their games to the finish. From then on I watched them regularly. They had a weekly routine. So every Saturday night, I watched them performing their lustful games.
I was studying in a convent school of Jesus and Mary. I talked to my class teacher who was a nun. She scolded me for peeping and also passed unpardonable strictures against my parents for being so sinful. Such acts she warned me were the acts of Satan.
Since that day to date, I see every male person as if he would pounce upon me and every woman with flaying legs waiting for sex! While talking to males I may be looking downwards but inwardly my mind is focused on their genitals. My modesty, my innocence and my ochre gown are only the shield I escape in. I have meditated and meditated. Gone thorough severest austerities and have been able also to attain some heights but inside I am burning with the fires of passion which creates in me the guilt feeling, which I am unable to overcome and thus keep balance. My guru was right in sending me with you. Perhaps he knew about me and my guilt. Here, I have bared my mind, my body before you. I love you, I love you. But my love is pure and pious. Please don’t misunderstand me. I have no body lust for you.
 

little-self

little-self
Shantnu But your body tells me otherwise! Will you touch me?
Umeshwari No, it is so impious to touch a male person…

Shantnu Oh, you need a lot of ministering to throw away your guilt and be normal.
Umeshwari But I am quite normal and feel pious. I have not indulged in sex so far.
Shantnu Tell me, if we were married, would you have guiltless sex with me?
Umeshwari Of Course.
Shantnu But not now?
Umeshwari No. But for my love with you, I am ready to sacrifice anything; even my virginity.
Shantnu That is brave of you. But you are now lying half-naked with me. Do you feel pious?
Umeshwari Nobody has seen us lying this way. Even otherwise I have not gone all out with you.
Shantnu Then in your dictionary, caressing is alright. But sex is taboo.
Umeshwari I told you. I can do anything for you.
Shantnu Rest assured, my ignorant, innocent girl. Your modesty is safe with me. Now sleep, tomorrow is a long day for you. You have to come out of your sinful world and learn to behave in natural way. He took her in his arms and she slept instantly in the safety of the strong arms, gripping his strong body in her nimble arms.
Early next morning before the birds chirping started; he got up by slowly loosening his arm from around her slender shapely body and delicately laced her head on the pillows. She opened her eyes in sleep, seeing him; she closed them again after heaving a sigh of relief.
He felt her tender body with his morning chaste gauze and coated a paint of his caressing. Her body shuddered, became tense and then relaxed; she sought him, even in her sleep. Finding him close by, she came under his body’s umbrella. She was extremely beautiful, he thought. Suddenly she sat up in the bed and put her hunches on her knees. Her hairs were covering her face, arms and upper parts of the body.
Umeshwari No, Shantnu, it is all wrong. I have committed unpardonable sins with you. It was not your fault. It was I who wanted to test my ascetic heights but fell down miserably. I have gone too far and in the process, I have lost what I had acquired during the last ten years. (She was sobbing loudly).
Shantnu You have not grown beyond the age of twelve years. Come now and face the realities. Two opposite bodies meet. They behave normally and normal reactions ensue, so what is abnormal about it. Rather if you had not reacted the way any female body should, I would have thought you a queer.
Umeshwari You mean, any opposite (gender) bodies, would behave this way!
Shantnu Yes, even if it were your close relatives or a saint, the reactions would have been similar.
Umeshwari All rots and rubbish talks, I cannot even imagine that! It is too lewd a thought. You are going far beyond my Master’s teaching. If I did not love you, I would have immediately left you. Such a repulsive thought, how it ever entered your mind. I am really ashamed that you have stooped so low that you have lost every distinction between an animal and a human being. I am sorry for you and me also.
Shantnu Now calm down and listen. Do bodies have any relationship?
Umeshwari Yes, through blood: Brother, sister, cousin, niece, nephew are blood relations.
Shantnu You are agitated now. Realities are staring you in the face and you are refusing to accept them, by closing your intellect under the subterfuge of high profile talk. Now are you ready to listen or I should stop and pack off.
Umeshwari Packing off is not that easy any more. I would follow you to yonder pastures. You dare it man, just dare and see me jumping in the river yonder. Before you realize, I would be sleeping in the lap of Mother Parvati (River).

Shantnu You are impossible insolent child but lovable.
Umeshwari Thanks for the compliment. Now Guruji (teacher) continue your talk of enlightenment and remove the clog webs from my brain.
Shantnu You are teasing me now!
Umeshwari No. I am simply trying to ride the same band wagon with you. I am putting necessary good spirits in me. Now I am O.K. Please forgive this insolent child (And she moved mockingly). My only objection is; if we accept as true what you say, then the very structure of society, religions would go haywire and suffering would roast everywhere.
Shantnu You are perfectly right and your objection is relevant. We start from your convent Nun. Her religion was of course, Christianity, Christ, their prophet was begotten by virgin Marry, his mother. He was not conceived by his mortal father Joseph but his conception was by ‘parvesha’ (direct entry by will). Even Avatars (incarnation of God as human-being) of our country were not conceived through normal way of inter-course, but came by ‘Parvesha’. This myth has falsely put wrong notions in the minds of their followers that normal recreational way was sinful. But except for Christ, every prophet or an Avatar was married. In many cases they begot children by the normal method of nature. The way you feel about your parents, their followers also felt that way, hence their perjury about libido. Sexual intercourse is the natural way for procreating. And creation is the process of nature. Either we accept is or reject it. By rejecting it, we stop the process of creation and life on earth would diminish pretty soon unless, cloning is legally and socially accepted. Sin word is the gift of Christian preachers to us-heathens. Any Non-believer in Christ was a heathen to them, hence a sinner. If anybody did not clean his body he was a sinner. If somebody did not brush his teeth, he was a sinner. Sin was a powerful tool with them to bring the non-believers to right path. For them, all paths lead to Christ.
According to them life on earth was forgotten by Adam and Eve. Naturally children of Adam and Eve furthered the recreational process amongst themselves. God is one, every religion proclaims. We are his children, all religion profess, then cohabiting amongst His children is also a sin, as we are all brothers and sisters, as our preachers tell us.
In olden times, Pharaohs (Egyptian Kings) used to marry real sister to preserve the blue blood lineage of Kings.
Amongst Mohammedans, marriage with nieces is common.
There are customs in certain tribes of India and other countries to marry more than one woman and vice verse.
In middle ages, kings or pundits were offered the first night’s nuptial fruits. Even during the British rules, this was in vogue (Asia and Africa).
Marriage system has almost broken down in western culture. Couples are living promiscuously without going through marriage rituals. Abortion has been legalized in most of the countries. This evidently shows that extra-marital co-habitation has been accepted by sate and society.
Test tube babies and cloning shall do away with the utility of sex even.
What we have noted so far, sins of one society are customs of another. It is a relevant term. It gives different meanings to different societies.
Meat eating is a taboo in Hindu society but is an accepted habit in other societies. So sins, customs were made for the conveniences of few, have-all and vigorously enforced on have-not; all in the name of their gods!
Lust has been used licentiously by kings, queens, noblemen and chieftains to the consternation of the society. To what purpose; to only satisfy their libido? But were they able to get satisfaction?
 

little-self

little-self
Umeshwari No. They further degenerated and devised nefarious ways in the depravity of their minds and perversion ensues in society and its valueless state is the result! What are we facing today is the legacy of our forefathers. All this wrecked the society and we are mute witness.
Your novice pupil accepts the verdict that bodies have no relation. Relations are developed in the minds or above, we shall seek to understand tomorrow.
But what are the checks?
Shantnu I can tell you about the outer (visible) checks, inner-ones can wait to reveal. These are laws, constitution, international laws, conventions, moral codes and religions. All are powerful medicines. All of these are of no avail if the real enforcers themselves ignore them.
Man is the most dangerous living species on earth. Nature has given it a unique faculty of free will. Every human being wants to live according to his whims. And he if happens to wield some state power, he forces others to adapt to his ways and follow him blindly. Like justice, religion has been used most ruthlessly in the name of God. State power has been misused. There are numerous instances in history to subjugate followers of other faiths and converted to the faith of the conquerors. Bloodshed and cruelty are the depravities of lust and passion, not of religion. Indeed we have inherited a history which is full of such crimes. Really, our forefathers were a people with pronounced animal tendencies. Our inheritance is not a fruitful nursery for a normal growth.
Umeshwari Then what is the remedy? Oh, my! It is day light outside and I have yet to take my bath. Sorry dear. I must rush to complete my morning ablutions. By the way you are a practical teacher and I like your method of teaching.

…….
All afternoon, Umeshwari remained in her room. Shantnu also did not venture out, but instead tried meditation like Umeshwari. He sat on the rug cross legged and focusing his eyes in the center of his forehead, slightly towards the right eye. Initially he felt discomfort in his eyes and legs, but soon he got over it. His mind could not concentrate, rather would wander again and again, to the adjoining room. Trying his utmost, he could not keep away his mind from the devastating beauty of the woman who had confessed her love for him. He could not digest the thought; such a chaste beauty could love him? The more he thought about her love for him, his mind began to still and when he opened his eyes, Umeshwari was engrossed in her meditation, sitting by his side. But he had not noticed her coming or the time spent by him in the novel experience.
Umeshwari also opened her eyes in a peculiar style. After every meditation session, she would open her eyes slowly and her eye balls seemed to have slanted upward and gone in her sockets. Slowly she would bring them back to normal position. She really was adept in meditation.
 

little-self

little-self
Umeshwari You seem an adept ascetic. You really were ‘something’ unique in your original identity!
Shantnu Whatever I was, but I was not a celibate.
Umeshwari Nature has been very benevolent with you: A big, handsome body, big mind, and a large heart.
Shantnu You are also not less benevolent. But whatever we possess it has come to us in inheritance. Therefore, nothing to be proud of! But, my dear, why physical aspect of body is so prominent on your mind? You are hiding from me.
Umeshwari My teacher would take me every Monday to her room and used to ask me to confess my sins of Saturday nights. As every Saturday night I would peep into my parent’s bedroom and watched their sensual parlays. They looked strangers in their nudity. Father was a big man like you and my mother seemed very happy with him during that time. But during that day, she was a serene model and very religious. My nun teacher would ask me about every detail of their sinful acts and thereafter pass very harsh strictures against them, and me also. She would even thrash me for being a peeping Tom. The fact that I got thrills and guilty feeling as well, by watching their show would attract both punishment and confessional sessions. I became more and more lonely and withdrawn. In school, I was a top class student and excelled in scholarships and games. But at home, I would shut myself in my room, and unleash my mind which ultimately would go to my parent’s bed. In my imagination I used to replace their faces, with those of actors and actresses. But I was always an active participant. As I grew in years, I maintained my position in the school but my position in the mental orgies had gone sky-high. Vatsayana’s Kamasutra was no match to my mental vagaries. My outer outlook seemed normal but my inside was pierced with the rotten glut of inflated characters. I had thousands of cells, containing as many words, full of beautiful, ugly, big people who were one by one ripping me apart; and I developed a split personality. Boys in school, then in college, shied away from me, not that I cared----but because of my being introvert they thought of me a proud wealthy girl. Nobody dared touch me as my father had a reputation of being a ruthless man, going to any extremes to take revenge; though I saw in him a gentleman, except during Saturdays nights, but people feared him.
Here I have bared my mind and also my body for you. And remember it is my first experience with a practical man.

Shantnu But how could you achieve success in meditation and have knowledge of the world which is beyond the conceptional mind?
Umeshwari The purpose of life is to be a complete human being, and attain to the states of happiness and bliss. It is possible if one attains perfect balance in life. Whether be a worldly man or an ascetic, wordy attachments distract him. Whatever profession one is engaged in life, is out of necessity, not by choice, hence one neither lives (love) through them nor understands them. What one is confronted with is the visible world and its vicissitudes which he tries to overcome by applying the sense of discrimination. The worlds he lives by are visible but the analysis he does, is metal process. At the time of self-analysis or self-inquiry, he dissects the worlds which are wicked in his memory. That is, whatever he lives by, are automatically pictured in his brain. At the time of discrimination he analysis the expressions (projections) of the outside world, which have now become impressions and the worlds without, exist no more. In my case, I did not live in the outside world but in the worlds of my imaginations. Both are illusory. Whatever the former could achieve ultimately, perfect balance in life, I had achieved by living in my inside worlds.
 

little-self

little-self
Shantnu But there is difference between the two. One is practical (objective) and the other is imaginative.
Umeshwari What is the difference? Aims and results are the same in both the case!
Shantnu How?
Umeshwari In both the worlds we feel pleasure and pain; gain and loss; happiness and sorrow, anger, greed, envy, attachment, repulsion, passion and lust. All of these lead us to the fullness of emotions, whether experienced practically or in imagination. The purpose is to enrich our emotional feeling to the optimum level, so that we come out of the pleasure/pain levels and merge in joyous state of mind. That is possible only, if we have gone through the fullest levels of emotions, feelings and attained the subtle state.
Shantnu And what is that?
Umeshwari When we have passed the emotional levels of the body and identify ourselves with the mind where mind is witness to the body and body has taken a secondary position of a utility unit only.
Shantnu And you have attained that?
Umeshwari I have attained the subtle levels of the mind bypassing the body. This lacuna has caught me up now, which I hope to overcome with your help. As you know, nature has vested me with good physique, beauty, wealth and mind. I have no feeling of envy, greed, anger, because I already possess those things, which are the cause and source of these tendencies except for lust, I have overcome every other negative tendency.
Shantnu How have you overcome?
Umeshwari Actually, overcome, is a misnomer. I should have used an appropriate word and that is ‘understood!’ I have understood them and come out of their influence.
Shantnu Envy, greed and anger and powerful words, how could you understand them if you have not experienced their application in practical life.
Umeshwari Envy and greed are over things which others possess. When I understood my barest needs, the things, I need for my personal use without which I can not survive, I came to know that my needs were negligible and my present means were sufficient to support them. I hardly aspired for more. Gradually but persistently, I confined myself to myself only and tried constantly to sustain with the barest possible necessities of life. You have observed me for some days now. I have contained myself and it supports me efficiently. Self-containment is the solution.
Shantnu Self containing or self-negation?
Umeshwari When the act is voluntary, not self-imposed, the joy is unbound. No act should be suppressed or they might some day sting you at the most inappropriate moments of your life, when you are off guard.
Shantnu But in your case you had suppressed your sensual desires!
Umeshwari Nay my charming man, I had not suppressed them. I had not allowed them to blossom in the natural course. Otherwise, they gave me as sweet pleasure as an actual act would. Whether I had succeeded in my experiment, is to be seen! With you as my anchor, I will sail my mast.
And they hurriedly went through the ritual of dinner and proceeded to their rooms with great expectations of the coming night, hoping it would not trip off like another Saturday.

…….
 

little-self

little-self
That night was the night of her salvation and she prepared herself for it by wiping away the last vestiges of her pent up feelings and gave herself freedom, complete freedom and went to his room with bare body and naked mind. Guilt, inhibitions etal, she subdued to her command, and got rid of them, from her inner cells, so that they could disappear forever and enable her be a perfect human being. She wanted to live without their burden and not be paved under, but by outgrowing out of them, that she could laugh away at them, at their superficial and stupid intensity with which she had to put up with so far!
Both lay side by side and got delight at the fullness of each other. She was a beauty unique and he a he-man. Their minds pictured the subtle bodies of each other and they forgot the physical presence of bed-fellows. They nourished their appetites by extolling their partner’s beauties. They rejoiced more in their memories than their calm beautiful bodies lying inert, not even wanting their warming! Somehow memories, of each other, became more dominating and overpowering than the actual beauties exuding through their body pores. Lying in this oblivious state of their awareness at subtle level, they completed their process of unity and physical contact became superfluous. Reveling in the state of joyous contact they beamed the smiles of contentment. The void of completion fulfilled, each filled the void of the other.
Umeshwari You have filled my void. I am a complete person now. I know not what love was because love had not blossomed within me. How could I ever feel it if I was bereft of love feelings? Now you have sprung springs of love flowers in me and I know what love is.
Shantnu Still you have gone through your feelings without rousing your senses! Actual way lies through emotions and sensations. Loosen your grip upon them, free yourself.
Umeshwari O.K., My Master. I loosen and free myself. Now teach me the ultimate sermon so that I become a normal human being, free from my inhibitions of guilt.
(And she charged like a lioness and covered him with her slender long-silken body).
Shantnu Tell me how you feel now?
Umeshwari You are a big man-just like my …
Shantnu ‘Father’! I complete your sentence.
Umeshwari Yes-yes, yes. I am ashamed but it is a fact that I have not been able to forget their bedroom scenes (she was sobbing loudly).
It is not my guilty feeling about him… but it is my mind, still hovering over their bed. Love me Shantnu, take me. I love you, take me as you wish.
Shantnu Do you really want me to or you want to get rid of your fear psychosis?
Umeshwari I am afraid no more, I will surrender willingly.
Shantnu But, dear, no boy is big or small. There are persons who are tall, medium or short, in height. It is all inherited. Some are beautiful of complexion others of body and shape. Nothing extraordinary about them! It is all natural and within the scheme of nature. Body limbs are simply body parts. All that matters is how the possessor or the receiver feels about them. Bodies’ tolerances are adjustable but the adjustments of the minds are difficult. Body organs do have their utilities in the arenas of their functions. But their exaggerations are fatal, where they are not needed and accept their services rendered in the best upkeep of my body. Mere body functions are like that of a machine. Body too is a machine; don’t give undue importance to its limbs. Accept them as they are and accept their utilities to body functions, important only for its sustenance not for its pleasures.
Umeshwari But how to get over its feelings?
Shantnu Have no fear; I am not going to love you that way. Anxiety (!), because you have not had it before and you want to try! Attraction is normal between male and female and also it is a challenge for you. You want to overcome the phobia of fear and anxiety. Guilty, because you are a virgin and not married to me and added to that is the list of your teacher’s ‘sins’. Normal body relationship between a male and female is a natural phenomenon.
Umeshwari Is sex normal between unwed couples?
Shantnu Umesh, you attach too much importance to sex, lust and passion, and sin word for you is their synonym.
Umeshwari I know and to understand about this I am lying with a lovable man, whom my Master has blessed me with, and through whom I wish to come out of my latent lustful worlds.
 

little-self

little-self
Shantnu You have added too many adjectives to a normal act. Like eating, drinking, sex is also a body function and is very natural. Rather its self-denial is unnatural and is harmful to health.
Umeshwari But heaps of Holy Scriptures have blasphemed about its extra-marital indulgences.
Shantnu Let we, briefly, start from the beginning, when human race has not as yet formed into groups and tribal formations. Then it was free for all. It was a world of physical prowess. Human ingenuity had not surfaced at today’s level. Might was the rule in the lawless primitive life. Jungle law prevailed, like animals, hunger faculty was predominant and man was, ever, in search of food. His primary purpose of living was to sustain himself; to satisfy his hunger; to protect himself from nature’s elements and wild animal’s world and the man. Hence only strong man survived. Sex was a secondary issue. As his genius grew, he manned himself first with stone tools, then with wooden tools and he moved from the safety of the caves and settled in open grounds. He learnt to build his cave like huts of mud and wood. Then they began to settle in groups and the mightiest was the leader. Women folk were his property. As the population of tribes began to grow, the chieftain was not able to service all the females under his hegemony, therefore another he-bull was chosen in a stiff competition, who was delegated to service the tribal girls, though the chief still kept the cream. This practice took the form of a custom. But internal strife began to surface. Every chief of a clan had to face the assaults of other tribes. So to avoid internal problem, they devised a new method for sharing of the women--- considered as an item of property---and also to maintain an excellent lineage of good blood. Separate rearing homes were established where male/female children’s were segregated and brought up under vigilant supervision of the trained persons. Boys were trained in hunting agility, martial arts, loyalty to chief and last of all, art of copulation. Same way, female children were given training in the arts of house keeping, herbals usages, rearing of children till the age of twelve or thirteen years and above all, giving physical pleasures to his man. When the children grew in age, a special celebration used to be arranged, where male young bucks exhibited their physical powers, hunting ability and martial art games. After the show young girls were free to pick their partners. Then grading in tribal hierarchy was the criteria in the preference line.
Umeshwari I would have loved to pick you as my man.
Shantnu But my dear, women had no place in the lives of their men, except to satisfy their lust and for the upkeep of their dwellings (huts). Nothing has changed the today, except for a few improvisations here or there, we are following old customs. Even the system of arranged coupling was devised in olden times. Women were given as gifts, to more powerful chieftains as political concessions. Even as marriage institution came into being, women were bartered as political trophies. You might recollect, even during, Mayan-Green-Roman and Aryan times, it was manly world. Chivalry, martial games, physical prowess, chariot race, horse race, wrestling etc. were the predominant occupations in the lives of men. Women were the trophies they won in war or valor. They were only pleasure toys and aristocracy of the times used them as tools for self-indulgence. Whole sciences were invented in the name of art, for the sensual satisfaction of man. Tantric science (more of debauchery rituals) dancing girls (Devadasi) nude sculpturing were the means legalized and sanctioned by the writ of the chiefs (now called kings). In past and present ages, thousands of tones of pervert material were published in the name of literature. Lust is man’s chief obsession. Since olden times to present day society, other material possessions are meaningless; love of women is the real culmination of man’s outer and inner achievements. Though he was being involved day and night in acquiring or destroying material objects but in the depths of his mind, he yearns for love which is permanent, ever-lasting. As he does not find it in one woman, he keeps on trying and adding the objects of love-making. But all the times he forgets that the love he seeks is not in the limbs of a woman, Carnal indulgence, sexual perversion, only degenerates him further and he gives pain to himself and to others.
Umeshwari Why the love of a man or a woman is so important when there are so many other things in life, by doing which people can spend their lives happily?
Shantnu You, yourself, have said ‘happily’---but my loving girl, happiness does not lie in the subjective world. You may work like machine, acquire as much wealth or possess the whole world; even then you won’t feel happy. Momentary pleasure or satisfaction may ensue but discontentment still persists. History is a mute witness; great; conquerors were not happy towards the end of their lives. What more they wanted? Power, wealth, territory, even they had the control of life and death over their subjects but their own life was not in their control! They could control or destroy others’ lives, property, and lands and could inflict pain or pleasure but their own life was barren!
 

little-self

little-self
Umeshwari Take the life of a barren woman.
Shantnu Even a barren woman can satisfy her unfulfilled desire by adopting a child. But a man whose very ambition in life is to acquire more and more---though honestly he knows that as he goes on accomplishing more, yet more ambitions take root. Those who venture know conquering one country/object is not the end in itself. They go on conquering to acquire more and more territories/objects, as their supposed happiness, of fulfilling their initial goal of winning the first territory/object, does not last long, he realizes there are still other countries/objects waiting to be possessed!. Perhaps by winning them, he could feel happy and his goal in life would be achieved! Nay, my dear, at the very end of his journey, he realizes the futility of all his bother. He had not conquered life, the very principle of life and death! So he was not a real conqueror, though he won battles, wars, in the fields and in the process he killed lacks of people. He was the master of their lands and lives, but when his end is imminent, he is forced to look anew.
Same way, lust is also an obsession. By quenching it, it grows more and in its mad fulfillment, we keep on indulging in sensuality. At long last our physical prowess begins to sag, but we have not been able to satisfy it. To see its logical end, we venture out and out. Physique deserts us as its fulfillment was not in the bodies we craved for and indulged in, but in our self. Had it been in beautiful bodies, those bodies would have given us happiness and satisfied the lust to its logical end!
But alas! It was not so, we are as lust hungry as we were.
Umeshwari Then its place is in mind and not in the body.
Shantnu For the time being, we may assume so. Even now, I may be caressing your beautiful body but while talking, our bodies assume secondary role.
Umeshwari I can’t bear that. It mean I am being ignored (She said mockingly).
Shantnu No, you are not being ignored. You are not your body, not at the moment any way. Madam, whichever faculty we assert, we become that by engrossing ourselves completely in the fulfillment of its demands. At the moment my faculty of ‘knowledge’ is awakened so I am engrossed in that and I am not consciously aware of my body or even of yours. You become what you want to be. But commands do not originate from our sense organs or senses. Were it so, we would satisfy them easily. If the cause of my lust had been my manhood, I would satisfy it easily, as I have had many a charming offers from beautiful damsels! But madam, after the ‘act’ the body goes limp, and I won’t be happy! I know my happiness lies somewhere else, not in the limbs of my body.
Umeshwari But, I know, where my happiness lies, I do know that happiness is a state of mind. But my dear, we also feel joy and zoom in ecstasy, when we observe a beautiful scene in nature.
Shantnu You should also have observed beauty of the scene does not lie in the chaste waters of a lake, branches of trees or blooming flowers alone. But it is the expression of the whole scene. When all the elements in nature meet in balanced proportions and create balance in its elements, the results are devastatingly beautiful. And beauty is joy. Same way, when senses create balance in man, joy blossoms inside. And it is their joy that make us aware of the joy outside. Suppose if we are in bad shape, our senses would be tainted, and would we have the same feeling of joy?
 

little-self

little-self
Umeshwari No. But tell me, if we observe the same scene again and again, would we have feelings of joy every time?
Shantnu Why not? But it all depends upon our state of mind. About mind, we discuss later. If our senses are in harmony, music will spring out of the hearts of flowers, green leaves, swinging trees and still-waters of the lake. Even birds flying in unison and seem part of the scene.
Umeshwari
Then, these are the senses, which have to be in normal condition. But now I realize the difference between you and me. You say, happiness or joy comes from the balanced co-ordination of elements or normal senses. It means that scene observed sends immediate impressions to the mind via our senses and we feel joy. First we create joy feelings in us, only then we feel joy, not by observing an outside scene or by participating in a scene by creating a scene in my mind without involving my senses.
Shantnu But my girl there is a difference between a live scene and a super-imposed scene.
Umeshwari I super-impose nothing. I simply create similar scene in my imagination and have joy feelings.
Shantnu how would you know, the feelings are really of joy, unless you have experienced them practically. We are living in a physical world, which is of images but composed of solid objects. The joy feeling experienced from their contact would be different than coming from your images.
Umeshwari But ascetics do experience joy, without coming into contact with nature or its scenes.
Shantnu Their way also goes through senses. They also tread the same paths of pleasure, joy, and bliss.

Umeshwari Coming to my problem. How I overcome my obsession with the male anatomy?
Shantnu By removing the very cause! Any unknown thing creates in us feelings of fear, danger, anxiety, attraction and exploration. All of them are natural. And the only way to overcome them is by knowing them.
Umeshwari Which in my case would be to explore …!
Shantnu If we are afraid of snakes. What do we do to remove our fear? It is either to observe them and have knowledge about them; which are the poisonous ones, which are harmless. Dangerous we avoid. Harmless we should ignore. Or we should hold a snake in our hands and have its feelings. Of course, by snubbing the poisonous head!
Umeshwari But I am so ashamed, the very touch would kill me. About the knowledge part, your talks have been fruitful so far. But the practical part … (suddenly he heaved a lungful sigh. The snake was touched; her body, firstly, became tense and got exceedingly excited. She was breathing very fast. She also had hidden her head in his armpit. Slowly she looked him straight in the eyes).
Oh, Shantnu. I am afraid no longer. You were right. It is like other human bodies. I get no extra feeling than I get by touching others; Now let me get more acclimatized, so I have no fear, guilt, for ever-ever.
After a long, long time, she felt exhausted by her own excursions and slept in the crouch of his arm. He kissed her softly on her parted lips and bid her good morning. This time she did not close her lips.
 

little-self

little-self
Next morning, as usual, they both went for a walk in the orchard. Although they had a sleepless night, both felt fresh and enjoyed the blooms of nature. Both walked silently complimenting each other’s deficiencies by physical presence and mutual love. Both felt liberated from the fangs of lust and had surrendered themselves to the next phase; their subtle bodies. It was a very strenuous effort to remove themselves from the present world of physical bodies and entering a world, whose existence composed only of ideas, images and impressions. Giving away solid and accepting their images as real, was painful as well as illusionary but both being adept in their present selves, were eager to know their subtle selves as well. Not that they did not already, but having once surrendered themselves to sensual world, they had to liberate from it once again! They knew it was a strange journey if once tripped, it was all over again. Path of knowledge was a recurring process.
Coming back, they had their bath, took a glass of juice with some fruits and came out in the lawns and relaxed in their cane chairs, under the warming rays of the morning sun.
Umeshwari Accepting all that you have said so far, I am a bit confused about the sensitive zones in the body. You tell that it is the mind which controls our desires. It causes their arousal and their elimination too! But if somebody excites the sensual zones, a human reacts automatically. Then what role our mind plays?
Shantnu There are negative, positive and neutral zones in our body. If an expert hand stirs them, likely reactions in the body are natural. But it is the mind that creates desire in us. Suppose two opposite bodies’ contact, spontaneous reactions are natural. But to indulge in sex, depravity, perversion or bestiality, all depends on the state of the mind. The reactions of bodies between a father and daughter, brother and sister, would be entirely different than between husband and wife. Our reactions or body behaviors are directly related to the type of society we live in. Social, psychological, economical, religious and conventional factors play direct/indirect roles in our lives. We cannot escape from them as we can not escape from in heredity and genetic influences. From seed to death, we live a controlled life. All these influences contain us in subtle imprison, choice of free will is an illusion if we live within the confines of these factors!
Umeshwari Suppose, we say good bye to the society and live a life of isolation, like we are living now, would these facts even then haunt us!
Shantnu We are social animal. Living away from the society would be like tamed animals of a zoo. We can not deny our existence or its allied factors. Society is not an obligation; it is the gift of evolutionary process. Why should we escape from the process and live a life of self-negation? It is because of society, we are born, bred and bought up, denying it and living a life of recluse, would be uncharitable and unethical. Our very birth places on us a debt. We have to discharge that debt. Our debt towards our parents, society, and nation has to be repaid back. Even if as you say, we live a secluded life, we are dependent upon nature. We eat its fruits, inhale its air, drink its water, and take so my other benefits. As no debt should be left undercharged, we have to repay it back to the nature. How, you could say? Simply by living in it and help it complete its process of evolution of which we are a part.
Umeshwari But does it affect its process if a few like us opt out of it?
Shantnu First, we cannot opt out of it. Second every bit of life is an important constituent in its scheme of evolution; otherwise we would not be a living part of it.

Umeshwari Human life has a great burden to discharge!
Shantnu It is a great obligation if we are laden with its burden. But if we know the purpose of life itself, we chalk out our priorities and with all the honesty of purpose, we pursue it. Life then is no burden, its purpose is clear; it unfolds its secret chests and makes our journey clear and purposeful. It becomes the easiest thing to live-by.
Umeshwari Easier said than done!
 

little-self

little-self
Shantnu Umesh, what is our purpose in life, to be born, live for sometime and die. No, it is quite different. Like nature, activity in us, is natural and essential. Even during sleep our body is functioning. Our limbs or mind may rest but body does not. Activity is our second nature. And while performing any act, results are the essential outcome. Results cause in us illusion of good or bad, beneficial or harmful, gain or loss, happiness or sorrow, pleasure or pain. Whatever we do acquire, possess or indulge in, one of these are the effects. Life long acquisitions of power and wealth, give us temporary feelings of satisfaction, pleasure or joy, but soon we out-live them. Constant familiarity with the same objects or persons stagnate their charms. If the outcome of material possessions and lustful indulgence is the temporary feelings of pleasure and joy, pain or sorrow, then why all this botheration and labor in the pursuit of lust, greed, envy, anger and ego! We could experience the resultant feelings, without wasting our lives, in their pursuits.
Umeshwari Sorry to interrupt; but it is not our purpose to be unhappy in life. Pain, sorrow, loss are not our objective but are the results of our activity.
Shantnu That it may be, but are as essential as two sides of the coin! Pleasure is an interval between two pains. Happiness too is an interlude between the sorrows. We may aspire for positive results only but negative is also attached to positive.
Umeshwari Then how to aim for positive only?
Shantnu Not possible, as long as we are part of the physical plane and seek enjoyment for physical world!
Umeshwari How is it possible to avoid negative results of our activity and have only positive fruits like, happiness, joy and pleasure.
Shantnu By completely foregoing negative tendencies, like lust, anger, greed, attachment and ego and acquiring immunity to local, cosmic, inherited, genetic influence.
Umeshwari Is it possible?
Shantnu Not only possible, but easy to accomplish! There are two ways to achieve this state of causeless-ness. One is the way of an ascetic and that of a Jnani (wise). An ascetic centers his energies (positive/negative) on his kundalini (spinal-cord) and awakens its latent life currents and finally liberates himself from body and mind’s fields and merges in cosmic consciousness (bliss). The Jnani, painstakingly understands the world around, below and above him and comes to the same level of cosmic intelligence or bliss. Both went through the same process of pleasure, joy, happiness and bliss. Both withdrew from outside world; the first avoiding it, the later understanding it and then withdrawing and searching the inner realisms. The later knows what exists outside, existed in him, already! Ascetic may fall down and become prey to his latent tendencies but a Jnani never wavers as his journey is that of ‘knowledge and intellect’.
Umeshwari That’s why many ascetics of yore, got enamored to the beauties of Apsras (Heavenly damsels)! It means they had by-passed their latent tendencies; they did not overcome them but had merely suppressed them. And suppressed passions may charge any body at the most inappropriate times in life!
Shantnu So the word is---understanding! whether you get it by experience or by ‘knowledge’. Do not ever control, suppress or depress your feelings, tendencies, emotions; experience, analyze and understand them. That way, they won’t crop up again and sting you and become their prey any time in life.
 

little-self

little-self
Umeshwari But there are others also, which are equally dangerous and poisonous, the latent ones, coming to us through our forefathers or genetic factors.
Shantnu The ones coming to us via seed (spermatozoa) directly reflect in our character, hence discernable. But those coming through genes both reflect in our body and character. Here we must understand that genes main role is to convey messages of improvisation in biological or mental adjustments in the coming times. The physical changes our bodies have undergone or the mental faculties we have acquired are the direct outcome of those messages received and necessary changes brought about by the genes. As of all effects like disease, mal-functions or other deficiencies; these are too fatal to overcome or a minor bother which can be removed by modern medicines, genetic engineering or simply we are to live with them. Or better still by understanding our optimum limits, accepting our present state of affairs, but definitely not by compromising or reconciliation. Both these words show our lack of knowledge, we have to understand our situations and act and adjust accordingly, that is not to submit or yield under them, but manly face them and come out of their stingy affects.
Umeshwari But we should not accept our mental or physical deficiencies as handicaps but come out of them as you say, and seek realms beyond. Handicaps are nothing but impediments which ought to be plucked like wayward thorns.

Angelee interrupted them by announcing luncheon time. Both went inside and sat properly. Just too please Angelee, partook the luncheon of only juice. They avoided talking while eating; not that it displeased Angelee or Gopi, for they too were cut in their ways, as they too had convent education in the famed old institutions---but were engrossed in their thoughts so much that talking seemed superfluous to them.
After finishing their glasses of juice, they silently entered their rooms and did not come out till five in the evening, which was their dinner time.
Bother observed complete silence in their respective rooms and sat in mediation.
Shantnu, having no previous conscious background in meditation, simply sat crossed legged and tried to concentrate his conscious and the mind in his forehead. After overcoming initial body resistance, he found his body relaxed in that condition---motionless. After sitting for some minutes, he observed that his spine had automatically positioned in straight angle and his body lost had its tenseness and gradually his breathing slowed down. After about twenty minutes, body lost its weight and felt light. Even his breathing process, somehow shifted to his forehead, at a particular spot, in the center of his eyebrows, slightly slanting towards the eye, and there was a fluttering sensation. Thereafter, that fluttering shifted to occipital---upper part of his skull, which was directly in line with his spine. At that time, he experienced inexpiable thrills which he wanted to continue for longer periods, but he got afraid and preferred to come back to body consciousness. At exact six in the afternoon, dinner was served and he was happier in his present company, in which he was losing his present and entering some unknown world.
Umeshwari You have an ascetics look on your face.
Shantnu It is your imagination which often makes me wear colors, I do not actually possess. I am merely a seeker… Oh! A seeker! My memory clicks the word… let me recollect. A seeker… a seeker of what?
He takes his head in his hands and shakes it this or that way. His forehead is furrowed beyond recognition but he was tormenting his memory, rather his head, which did not seem to revive. At last Umeshwari, understood that the expression ‘seeker’ had some relation to his forgotten ‘self,’ she took him to his room and tried to soothe him with a gentle massage on his head, with her tender but concerned hands.
He recovered soon as a result of her nursing and gave her a smile.
 

little-self

little-self
Shantnu Sorry, I gave you so much botheration. But my memory did not click. Anyway let us forget and deal only with the present. And present is beautiful with you!
Umeshwari With me or your own liberation?
Shantnu Liberation? I don’t get you.
Umeshwari You know it quite well, as soon as you revive your past, you will fade away from my life and resume your journey, which as it shows, was that of a seeker who somehow got tripped and is wandering with women for a predestined purpose known only to his past-self or to some unknown power who assigned him to me, to play a role, as he did with Kamani!
Shantnu If these are the roles I am playing like a puppet, then I tell you frankly, my other roles were just a flop. And now I am playing a role, which I love and I am in love with my co-puppet.
Umeshwari You, you told me, these are phases, one goes through. At every stage one gets a little more mature or more aware and wayward characters simply play side roles to push him onto further heights.
Shantnu There is no doubt about that, but the pleasant moments or the lovely times spent together, ultimately helps the person to enter levels beyond, are not moments lost but essential steps to reach the top o the ladder.
Umeshwari Then I am like another step. Nothing more!
Shantnu Why do you forget; each step is a reality uncovered. Each is a state unto itself. After all how many steps are taken in search of Realty? Very few steps, indeed! Whole lives are spent, merely to arrange ourselves. So my dear, if you are a step, then yours world be the vital step that would enhance my journey and help me enter the realms, I sought in my previous self.
Umeshwari Very finely stated. Now tell me, my ‘ascetic one,’ what is the difference between the copulation of a Mahatma (a realized soul) or an ordinary man.
Shantnu A very relevant question! A Mahatma, who has undergone untold austerities, sustaining himself on a pure vegetarian diet like yours, won’t feel sensual pleasure as ordinary human beings do. He would perform his act without being sensually excited, simply for generation purposes. Lust would not touch him and his touches would be chaste like his chaste mind. It is an experience unto itself, inexpiable, unbelievable!

Umeshwari An experience devoid of (sensual) pleasure is not worth the bother. Since childhood to maturity I was tormented by luscious feelings and if I am unable to experience their pleasure, the way, I had imagined, and then I would rather forego my resolve as I am not bothered about progeny factor and would rather bask in the pleasure and joys of the worlds, unfamiliar, as I am to the celestial ones.
Shantnu Brave, my love. Surrendering yourself to me is in fact surrendering unto your self. Being honest with yourself, your aims are clear and forthright.
It was ten O’clock at night. They both fell asleep. Neither was tired or over-taxed as physical cajoling or mutual body caressing was absent to-night. But each felt relaxed and complemented in each others company. It was a strange calm and relaxation, hence unknown to them. Their clothes, scanty though, were not removed. Their nudity was an ornament, which even their minds did not wear. Instead of fueling their senses, they fulfilled their vacuum of love.
At twelve of night, she got up and asked him one more question.
 

little-self

little-self
Umeshwari Now I have understood, what do you mean by full emotions or a normal state of our senses! A person should have normal reactions to normal situations. One should be able to rejoice at the happiness of others, weep in sorrows of others, share pleasure or pain with others. Share their agonies and be ecstatic in their musical renditions. Appreciate their tastes and ignore their foul smells. Give good vibrations in spite of bad one’s coming to us. In nut-shell, we must share in their grief and joy and forget their deficiencies. It is the way for enriching our emotional treasure, sensitivities and energy channels stretched to the optimum levels, thereby enlivening pleasure fields which would next lead us to joy state. Knowing all this, I love you, my love, even more and I sleep with this memory.
Shantnu did not open his lips, as she lightly closed them, with her demurring lips, which warmly responded to the touch. Before he could stir, she added herself to his losing warmth. Their joint warmth was not enough to stir up their passions and they slept a pleasant sleep without dreams, without once turning their backs to each other.
Fourthnight, they spent together in each other’s company without indulging in voluptuous touches, but simply taking mutual solace by their very presence. Their bodies no longer felt excited by the unintentional touch of the other. Their constant exploring of each other’s body somehow brought stability in their relationship. Rather they had assimilated in each other. In the beginning, they sought physical proximity and eagerly entangled their bodies and limbs. They understood that real beauty was not in their limbs but was the genesis of their whole-selves (personality/individuality). Now instead of seeking pleasure from the bodies, they got it, from the very company of the other. Each seemed to fill the vacuum of the other.
Having spent a restful night, they got up at four in the morning and sat side by side, for mediation.
Shantnu gradually began to recover his latent faculties and without any conscious effort, could concentrate his mind. About meditation he was completely ignorant and called it an exercise of stabilizing the body muscles, concentrate their energies and focus it at his forehead. Even by doing so, his body felt light and pleasure feelings would engulf his body.
At six both got up and went to the woods for a strenuous walk. Coming back, going through morning ablutions, they took their breakfast of fruits and juice from the lovely hands of Angelee who was enveloping them in her beaming smiles.
Their attire as usual, was negligible. Umeshwari was in her flimsy gown through which, shadows of her panties were conspicuous. Shantnu was in half pants and T-shirt. Whatever clothes he wore, could not veil his body. Rather clothes seemed to accentuate his limbs.
Today instead of sitting in the lawn, they preferred the natural geezers, located on the third terrace of the orchard and sat on its concrete boundary wall, which was hardly two feet high.



…….…
 

little-self

little-self
Umeshwari Shantnu, what I have learnt, through experience so far, is, body of its own does not give us pleasure. Neither sense organs nor senses of perception give us pleasure. It grows in our mind, by its contact with the world external, and senses create sensations which are transmitted to the brain and mind enjoys the scene. Then it is the mind, who is the sole master. Body or its senses are its mere tools.
Shantnu So far, we can assume that.
Umeshwari You imply there are other masters above the mind!
Shantnu We shall take them one by one. Now we take only mind and we shall concern ourselves only with mind.
Umeshwari What is the mind? It is not that big an enigma that we can’t understand. After all, it is in our body and like body; we can always control or direct it, the way we want.
Shantnu Very wisely said. Now tell me, can you ever control anything, just anything in nature. Can you control rain, flow of rivers, growth of mountains/trees or any other thing which is part of the evolutionary process? You can not. You can mutilate some parts of the nature but can’t stop or divert it from its predestined goal. Man may utilize its elements for his progress or destruction but the overall scheme of nature is fathomless, i.e., indestructible. After all, the very purpose of nature is to complete its prescribed course (of evolution) and shower its benefits of resources on the humanity at large. We can use its fruits and resources for the benefits of the humanity at large or for our destruction, is our choice.
Human body and now mind is also its creation. We cannot control it. But it is, in our power, to use it for our benefit or destruction.
Umeshwari If we can’t control it, and then it will control our lives.
Shantnu The way we can’t control the nature, same way, we can’t control our mind. By controlling nature we would assume the power of its creation, which is unimaginable. The very process of nature lies in its own unique faculty of consciousness. Like it, the process of life on earth planet is based on consciousness. Whole existence, including living beings, is conscious and our existence is also conscious. Mind is nothing else but the faculty of consciousness by which we are able to observe our existence and that of the world.
Umeshwari You mean, mind is the ability of consciousness derived from nature. If it is so, then why are we unable to perceive the whole universe?
Shantnu We can become conscious of the whole universe, when our consciousness merges, with the consciousness of the existence itself, which is also known as supra-consciousness, supra-intelligence or cosmic-consciousness.
Umeshwari Then how did we constrict our conscious level from cosmic consciousness to body-conscious level only? It is a big leap downward from dizzy height to an abyss.
Shantnu By detaching ourselves from cosmic level to grosser levels i.e., by associating ourselves to physical world, we began to see ourselves as physical entities only and waste our lives in our pursuits of fulfilling our wants, needs, comforts and pleasures. If we withdraw our consciousness from cosmic consciousness and concentrate on objective world then we are nothing more than a physical object and we presume ourselves only as a body.
Umeshwari It is a great misfortune, humanity has brought on itself. How can we regain our lost contact and again level with cosmic consciousness of which we are a part?
Shantnu By understanding the objective world and its relevance to us, we can resume our journey to the realms hence lost to us or we might have become, willfully unconscious to them.
Umeshwari Pray, continue fast. I am in a hurry to liberalize myself from this baser life of selfishness, where all energies are centered on our selfish ends and we spend our lives by fulfilling them. Why can’t man see that the purpose of his life is not to maintain him in luxurious surroundings but to know him also? We are part of a splendor, whose length, breadth is immeasurable, but we are satisfied by merely becoming its inert tool and not trying to know it. I am born of parents and want to know about them but I am a part of this colossal universe and I am not trying to know about it, what a shame
 

little-self

little-self
Shantnu It is not that alarming as you assume. There are always some, who unshackle themselves and make a try. Knowing about our lineage is as important as knowing about our creation. Man has immense capacity and always dares the impossible. But knowing about one’s own-self is not a journey to outer realms; it is a journey from here to here. We start from ourselves and end the journey at our-self. It knows about the self and that was, and is, part of the grand splendor, as you call it.
Let me start it, right now. I am really in hurry.
Shantnu Not that fast, my dear. First we have to create perfect balance in us. That is, we become a normal human being. Only in normal condition would we be able to observe the worlds within and without. Before starting we must gauze the limits, the capacity of our tools, with which we undertake the endeavor.
Umeshwari The only tool we require is mind.
Shantnu You jump to the conclusions very fast. First, we shall have to know our present mind, its composition, how it functions and how it is fed with all the data, reactions and forms its opinions; its source of information and how far we can depend on its capability! We must know about its present state of affairs, its optimum capacity to observe, react, discharge, and its real relevance to the ground realities of external/internal worlds.
Umeshwari You are assigning it a gigantic task.
Shantnu Dear, don’t under-estimate it. It is a world unto itself. It has the capacity to store in it the entire knowledge of the universe.
Umeshwari But it is a tiny fellow, confined in our heads. Such a proportionless limits are really in its realm, seem irrational!
Shantnu To know the world and to acquire its total knowledge, the medium is only mind. So it is logical, it has the capacity to absorb the total knowledge.
Umeshwari Such a tiny fellow, capable of encompassing the cosmos! What a pity, we have confined it, to body levels only.
Shantnu Nothing strange, it is through the body that we come to know of it, the universe and the self (us).
Umeshwari Why first we should know about the world and then venture inside and know it? Is knowing of the outside world necessary to know ourselves?
Shantnu By knowing external, we know internal. Otherwise we are living in objective world and our mind is always involved with them. We can persuade it inward only if its tools make it aware about the faculty of external world, as nothing that it attaches to is permanent, hence incapable of giving everlasting joy or happiness, then it would withdraw from outside, not out of ignorance or as an escape but by understanding their utilities and their relevance to it (mind). Only then would it confine itself into itself and redirect itself to inner regions and seek to know about consciousness of which it was a part, shall again become a part to recover its wholeness.
Umeshwari Seems a long journey and I was in a hurry. Atom by atom, item by item, we shall have to go along with it and try to know the objects which attract it. Instead of knowing the whole universe for that is its limit, should not we try to know the cause of its attraction, rather than the attraction itself? That would be easy and simple.
Shantnu My dear, its present attraction lies in external world, the visible world, thus entire universe is its field of attraction. Knowingly or unknowingly it is leading towards its source.
 

little-self

little-self
Umeshwari But its source lies in itself, as per your version, then why it seeks outside that lies inside.
Shantnu It is logical as consciousness abounds in inert and living beings, equally but, used to as we are, it observes consciousness in existence, only of physical world. And when it knows about itself, it becomes a sole master of the objective world and revels in that only. It desires on and on the body-senses and pursues relentlessly its contact with the objective world and through them it seems to enjoy their fruits.
Umeshwari Knowing about every object in the world and then bringing it back to itself involves an impossible exercise both for the knowledge and intellect. Insurmountable task lies ahead.
Shantnu Not only that, you come across as many worlds inside that the present mind boggles and leaps in the pleasant sanctum known as shells. When it cannot encounter the world outside, it conveniently creates (imagines) its own and lies composed in them.
Umeshwari I am really staggered to think about all this. Shall we really be able to come out of it or let ourselves wander with it to the words external or go with it to the shells, nursing in its realms?
Shantnu Knowing the mind is, like a lost needle, in the vast expense of the cosmos and if at all we do find it, we have to thread it by a top-class intellect, pierce all the roaming cosmos, in a garland of wisdom and put it around the cosmic consciousness.
Umeshwari To me it looks like a vast jungle, with no way inside. Every inch of land is full of dense trees, wild growth and wild life found in abundance. Above the jungle of mind, the space is full of slush of lower tendencies. How and from where to start, that is the problem. Even if we start at one point, shall it lead us across the jungle, even more severe in conditions than the one just traversed?
Shantnu First step is the most difficult one. But the trail you leave behind shall be followed by the coming generations, not that such trails do not exist already. Too many, for too many, paths are available, each promises green pastures in the realms beyond but not two of them look alike. So in this journey, each one makes one’s own trail and finds the goal alone. Others may guide us, show us directions but their directions are according to the capacity/ability of their tools, with which they had made the trails. Every path leads to individual goal. The journey is very strenuous and lonesome, but rewarding. Take courage and plunge, we may find the way. But, first let us sharpen our tools so that we cut away the unwanted weeds and pursuer our goal.
Umeshwari Shantnu, it is a very tiresome way. Can’t we pursue some other path?
Shantnu It all depends upon the goal, you want to achieve. If you want momentary pleasures, body is the vessel. In case, you want happiness, you simply create balance between heart and mind. If it is bliss, suppress the mind, channelise your emotions and ride on temporary basis. Pleasure, happiness bliss or liberation, salvation (Moksh) are one thing but ultimate-reality is just another. If you seek it, knowledge-mind-intellect-wisdom is the only path.
Umeshwari Is god, not the aim? Does not everything else subsume in HIM?
Shantnu Umesh, you as usual, jump too fast. God is an unknown ‘commodity’ to me. So, I am unable to comment on Him.

Umeshwari But is He, not an ultimate reality
 

little-self

little-self
Shantnu I refuse to comment. Right now, we are discussing only the mind, nothing else. If our joint endeavor takes us to reality level and we feel there is something beyond, definitely, we shall pursue that too.
Umeshwari You are an obstinate one; always specific to the point, no aside digression. Unpopular teacher but with excellent charms!
Shantnu My child angel, in the pursuit of knowledge, there should be no ambiguity, no double meaning talk. In this pursuit, we should have a dictionary which contains one word for each subject and each and every word is complete in itself. Love means love. It has no gradation as body-love, worldly-love, fatherly, motherly, sisterly, brotherly, or friendly love. It is one love that is common in all.
Umeshwari Then a Jnani’s dictionary is very compact.
Shantnu Truth or Reality is one word. Why should we need so many words to know about one word? From the vast vocabulary of man, -a seeker------ (at this word he again grips his head with both hands and presses-it mercilessly).
Umeshwari Why this word, troubles you so much?
Shantnu Umesh, I don’t know. It has something to do with my past. He felt exhausted by putting great strain on his latent memory, to recollect the relevance of the word ‘seeker’ to his forgotten past.
Mercifully, they were relieved of the situation by the sudden arrival of Angelee, always smiling, as fresh as the ripe apples hanging overhead. It was good she lived in seclusion; otherwise her beaming smile would infer open invitation to the lonely hearts. It was Gobi’s love that was blossoming off-bonds which she could hardly contain.
Once Shantnu had asked her,
‘Don’t you feel lonely here? Far away from the maddening crowds! Your son schooling at Shimla and here you both are living a life of seclusion.
‘No, uncle, we have found the meaning of life. We love reach other and that love sustains our lives. What more is there in the world!
This was Angelee of Gopi (her husband), an urbanity of Manali; did her graduation in a renowned college of Jesus and Mary, now prepared to live, only on love! Outside world did not exist for them except for rare trips to Shimla, Kulu and Manali to see their son, meet her parents or buy some necessities of life. Otherwise, they sustained on each other.
Shantnu loved them and so did Umeshwari. Their each gesture towards Umeshwari and now Shantnu was full of love, they spoke only one language and that was love, love in practice.
Lunch today was different than the normal routine of juice. There was a big plate of salad and two bowls of tomato soup. Angelee brought them occasional variation to avoid staleness in taste.
After lunch they sat in his room and relaxed. They observed complete silence. They even closed their eyes to avoid contact with each other. Their bodies were relaxed though minds were at the helm. Each was trying in his/her owning way, clear the weeds and carving a new trail. But plantation of tendencies had rooted deep and plucking them along with the roots, was a difficult task.
Umeshwari Gopi and Angelee are so happy. They have sufficient means to settle in any city and they won’t feel at odds there as both are well educated. You know, my father, had given the orchard to me, as a gift which I further gave it to Gopi and Angelee. It was a ten acres orchard, which they have now expanded and improved. All the income goes to them, which is enough to support them, in case they settle in a city. But they prefer to live here. It seems, they get from each other, what they want. What I am angling at is, whether it is necessary to pursue ‘knowledge’ and seek realms, we are unaware! Can’t we live like Gopi and Angelee and he happy? After all, love is the ultimate goal. And we get it from each other, why bother our brains for higher states, whose attainment is, love too!
 

little-self

little-self
Shantnu Umesh, we cannot realize total love unless we understand its tributaries of attraction, attachment, affection, compassion, kindness and lastly-love itself. We have to experience each state, finally, to merge in love.
Umeshwari You had stated earlier, love could be attained through the richness of sensation, emotion and sensitivity, or by rationality and logic. The former comes by biological process of contact (it creates sensation), relation (sensation generates emotions) and finer sensitivity blooms love feelings,
Shantnu Love achieved by this process would be local (individual and momentary.) As opposing sensations/emotions always attack, we would be swayed this or that way. For lasting and universal love rationality and logic are essential besides of course, emotional richness.
Umeshwari So emotional love is momentary and confined only to the person we love or our love pours for him. Now one last question about body love, there is Tantric way of realizing love or bliss. What is that?
Shantnu There is an ancient cult in India, known as Tantric. It is simply a way to extend ecstatic moments felt at the time of orgasm.
Umeshwari Please explain. Why do you always feel shy of talking about sensual enjoyments?
Shantnu I am not feeling shy or guilty. It is your chaste endowment that I feel a little out of the sorts. Otherwise from what I have been through, it looks like, I was a charging bull of some sort.
Umeshwari You have been deporting yourself efficiently. Kamani, Devayana are living proof of it. Now about Tantric art!

Shantnu Why are you insistent about sex and its enjoyment. Self indulgence is no enjoyment at all. Any way, Tantric cult had devised a physical science, by which body’s erotic zones (negative zone) could be controlled and made to obey. Constant practice, diabolical rituals promoted their stability powers and they indulged in sex, rituals, systematically and on prescribed rules. The ultimate purpose was to lengthen their ecstatically moments/feelings. They called these final moments as bliss. Pure hypocrisy it was. Actually, this black art of sensual enjoyment was invented too by the aristocracy. It gave them a free license to cohabit with any woman in the crowd. In a way, it was a show of mass-sex…
Umeshwari Shantnu, is sex really so dominant that we reel under it and forget all the finer aspects of relationship? Why passion is so predominant in our lives?
Shantnu All other negative tendencies direct us outward to possess or to destroy but passion is biological aspect and its hunger is, seemingly, satiated by the involvement of all the five senses. Now let us forget the topic or you would rather like me to…
Umeshwari No! I did not mean that, I know, no woman can hold you for long. You are a philosopher; body or its senses are merely a wayward attraction for you. Your real tools are your mind and intellect. Other impediment you remove, like you have removed your past memories.
Shantnu Umesh, nothing that exists in this world is useless or superfluous. Every object, live or inert has a specific role in the scheme of nature. Each sensation/emotion creates an idea, which again is a part of nature. Any act discharged, is also an extension of nature. Nature is not different from us. We are the nature, since we have inherited its rich treasures. It is another matter that we have dissociated ourselves from nature and are content in the enjoyment of its treasures.
 
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