one liners

oNobody cares if you can't dance. Just dance.

No ne is listening until you make a mistake.

Men are like a fine cheese. They start out as milk, and it's up to women to mold them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.


If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?


Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?


If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?


 
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain
 
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
 
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
 
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.​
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.​
 
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
 
On the other hand, you have different fingers
I don't find it hard to meet expenses They're everywhere
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog
Work is for people who don't know how to fish
If you don't like the news, go out and make some
 
I can handle pain until it hurts
No matter where you go, you're there
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane
It's been Monday all week
 
According to my best recollection, I don't remember
The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary
Honk if you like peace and quiet
Gravity always gets me down
 
[FONT=arial,helvetica] Police One-Liners [/FONT]
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, or I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"
 
Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

 
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here
 
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