Some random funny ones
Once a dog and his master were playing chess in their garden. One of the strollers was passing by and stood for sometime to watch their game. Finally he said,
Stroller: Wow what an intelligent dog.
Master: Intelligent, huh? We have played 6 games and i am leading 4-2.
Judge: You know, you have been brought here for drinking.
Accused: Wow, when do we start?
A couple was sitting in a bar when suddenly a stranger next to the wife stands up and farts.
Husband: You son of a ~censored~, you farted before my wife.
Stranger: Sorry I didnt knew it was her turn.
A ambitious young nursery teacher once decided to try something new in her class.
Teacher: Its very easy to learn nursery rhymes and recite them. I want you all to create your own rhymes with your names.
Dan: My name is dan,
When i grow up to be a man,
I want to travel to Russia and Japan
If i can, if i can, if i can
very good Dan, now you Sally
Sally: My name is Sally,
When I grow up to be a lady,
I want to have a baby,
If i can, if i can, if i can
Thats ok Sally, now you Sam
Sam: My name is Sam,
When I grow up to be a man
Never mind Russia or Japan,
I am gonna help Sally with her plan,
I know I can, I know I can.
Drunk walks into the bar crying.
Bartender: Why you crying mate?
Drunk: 2hrs ago, i sold my wife for 5pints of beer.
Bartender: That sucks man, and now you want her back?
Drunk: Very much
Bartender: So finally you realized that you love her?
Drunk: No, I want her back because I am thirsty again.
A blonde walks into a bar
Blonde: Bartender, one round for everyone on me.
Bartender: What's the occasion Mam?
Blonde: I just got a job, I have to go to vending machines and remove all the money. I start tomorrow.
Blonde walks into the bar again after finishing her shift.
Blonde: 3rounds for everybody on me.
She hands over a big bag of change to the bartender.
Bartender: I guess you had a great day, I wonder how many rounds you will buy everyone when you receive your paycheck.
Blonde: You mean they gonna pay me as well?
Judge: Where do you work?
Accused: Here and there
Judge: What do you do for living?
Accused: This and that
Judge: Take him away
Accused: When will I be released?
Judge: Sooner or later
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."