Linus's Jokes factory

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Old 28-Apr-2010
Linus's Jokes factory

Linus's Jokes factory

note- this thread is dedicated to my deceased friend and jokes here are coming from mixed bag of his postings as well as my own search on internet with some my creations as well...

linus bro
u rocks

Old 28-Apr-2010
Re: Linus's Jokes factory

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!

Old 28-Apr-2010
Re: Linus's Jokes factory

Bob, a 60 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

Bob says, "I lied about my age." His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

Old 28-Apr-2010
Re: Linus's Jokes factory

Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him. He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know. He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know. He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.

Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"

"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."

"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..."

"Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus.

"Pinocchio!!!!!!!" yells the old man.

Old 28-Apr-2010
Re: Linus's Jokes factory

Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Sardarji, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask
each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.
When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who Killed Jesus Christ?" The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The
Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left. When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left. Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was
asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow." When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked "How was the interview?" Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder.

Old 28-Apr-2010
Re: Linus's Jokes factory

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim
Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But
where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an
accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm

Crying, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout
and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at
least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

Old 28-Apr-2010
Re: Linus's Jokes factory

Many years ago, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod -- one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."
The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, "I'll have you know, I converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."
"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

Old 28-Apr-2010
Re: Linus's Jokes factory

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying
there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown,
tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and
says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get
beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.
Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives
it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops
in the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

Old 28-Apr-2010
Re: Linus's Jokes factory

A beautiful blonde lady stepped onto a plane going to L.A. and sat down in first class. The flight attendant proceeded to go around the airplane checking the ticket stubs of each passenger to make sure they were all in the right seats. When she got to the Blonde woman she noticed that it was for Economy seating, not first class. She tells the woman, "You're ticket says economy maam and we have a full flight today. I'm going to have to ask you to move." To which the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Confused, the stewardess gets her supervisor. Again, she tells the woman that she must move. Again, the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Also confused, they go get the captain. He tells the woman that she must move. The blonde starts to say, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful..." when he interrupts and asks, "Can I whisper something in your ear?" "Sure" she replies and he proceeds to whisper something in her ear. Suddenly she gets up and goes back to economy seating with a look of surprise on her face. The flight attendants are startled. "How did you get her to move?" "I told her that first class wasn't going to L.A."

Old 28-Apr-2010
Re: Linus's Jokes factory

This guy goes to Amsterdam to videotape a presentation. While staying in
his hotel he finds an awesome channel on the TV, but, alas, he has no
VCR or way to record it.

With a flash of inspiration, he sets up his video camera, points it at the
TV, and tapes a few hours of video.

On arriving home, he tells his best friend about the trip. The conversation
gets around to the tape and the man lends his friend the tape.

A couple of days later, the friend returns the tape. "Did, ahh, did you
watch your tape?"

"No. I was watching the original. Wasn't any need to see the tape."

"Well, uhh, before you lend it out again, maybe you should watch it," the
friend advises.

The guy did as he was advised. And never lent out the tape again.

You see, the fella had forgotten to take into account
the *reflective* nature of a television screen .

Old 28-Apr-2010
Re: Linus's Jokes factory

Three former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk."You need to use big people words," she'd always remind them.

She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"

She then asked Joey what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo." he said.

"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN, use big people words!"

She then asked Eddie what he had done.

"I read a book" he replied.

"That's wonderful" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie The Shit!"

Old 28-Apr-2010
Re: Linus's Jokes factory

thanks a lot .
sorry bro i have to delete the last post.

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