Mastizaade review: Sunny *****ís movie is limp and unsatisfying

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Old 30-Jan-2016
Miss Alone
Mastizaade review: Sunny *****ís movie is limp and unsatisfying

Director: Milap Zaveri
Cast: Sunny *****, Sunny *****, Tusshar Kapoor, Vir Das
Rating: 0/5

Mastizaade isnít even a movie. For almost the entirety of its run time, it feels like getting screamed at by a pissed off plastic clown. Itís as pointless as a punctured condom. Itís as ghastly as a bad boob job. Itís like entering a lunatic pervertís Internet search history tab and discovering only cake recipes. Let me repeat: Mastizaade isnít a movie. Itís a bunch of sweaty sleazeballs exploiting Sunny *****ís star power and straight up robbing your cash. Donít let them.
Letís be honest here. Weíre friends right? Who reads a Mastizaade movie review? For those of you who want to watch this movie, a review, positive or negative is not really going to make any difference. A review for Mastizaade is as pointless as Sunny ***** in a burqa. Am I right?
So letís get the plot out of the way first. Mind you, I use the word plot in the loosest possible sense. In other words, there isnít one. Tusshar Kapoor and Vir Das play perverts. They do perverted things on pretty much a second-to-second basis. They make perverted ad films by day and visit anonymous meetings for sexual addiction to pick up women by night. They think of themselves as sexual superheroes and in their leisure time, stare at women with such burning concentration that they make their clothes disappear. They chalk this down to a super power (as you do) which they like to call Ďchick ray.í Itís like X-Ray, but for chicks, geddit?

Then one day, they run into Sunny *****. Itís almost as if the filmmakers have realised that the world has seen practically every inch of Sunny ***** as it is possible to see so here, in Mastizaade, which is still not a movie, they give us two, yes two (!) Sunnys. Her introductory scene makes all the appliances in her kitchen topple over for some mind boggling reason. Iím not joking: Sunny walks into frame and suddenly juicer-mixer-grinders simply keel over. To be clear: They donít switch on or star whirring or anything (which would make sense, right?). Instead, they fall to their sides as if that means something. Maybe it was because Sunny was totally naked? Never mind, only an idiot would try and make sense of all the nonsense thatís happening on screen and guess what that makes me.

OK so now that all our major characters have been introduced the plot kicks into its one and only gear: Stalking. Tusshar Kapoor, whose resting expression is one of manic befuddlement, seems to have been given one direction by Milap Zaveri: Cartoon. Both Tusshar and Vir Das pick one Sunny each and begin a long and essentially directionless quest to win them over. One Sunny is a vixen who Skypes with her cat (ďMain apni p**ki ke saath khel rahi thi.Ē) and the other one is mellower, probably because she wears saris and specs and stutters a lot. But before you cry foul, these arenít just any old saris, theyíre Sunny ***** saris (wink wink). And not like sheís in them a lot anyway. So crisis averted.
Between all this insanity, the movie takes regular commercial breaks. No, for real, there are literally moments when the characters take a break from being in a crappy movie and saying things like ďAb Lawman jeans pehen le aur star ban.Ē
Look, we all know they didnít hire Sunny ***** for her acting chops, but when the voice coming out of her mouth sounds like a whole Ďnother woman it just goes to show how little the director thinks of her. Heck, even her lines in the end credits outtakes are dubbed.

And thatís not really surprising for a movie that thinks of its women as glorified blow-up dolls. To call the women in this Ďmovieí objects is an insult to objects. They are the walking, talking, jiggling butt of all the jokes. No pun intended. Unlike Titli Boobna, which was presumably deliberate.
To make matters worse, in the Sunnysí brother theyíve gone and created such an aggressively stereotypical gay character that stereotypes all over the world are probably committing suicide (might I politely suggest watching this movie). He wears a flower in his hair, enjoys riding bicycles, and is pretty much a sex predator that has designs on Tusshar Kapoor. ďTu meri sister hai par Sunny mera bistar hai,Ē he says to the saucy Sunny, and then promptly farts in her face. Damn you movie.

Youíre guilty. Youíre guilty for stealing my money. Youíre guilty for pushing your messed up ideology on unsuspecting people. Youíre guilty of being regressive and pushing the country back by about 30 years. Youíre guilty of disrespecting women, homosexuals and human beings for that matter. Youíre guilty of having a song titled ďHor Nach.Ē I donít know whatís worse: Having a song with that name or these two words being pretty much the only lyrics in it. If I was locked in a room with Hitler and Osama and had one bullet I would shoot this movie. And damn you movie for making Vir Das do this. You can see the effort on the poor guyís face. And know this, movie, he is the only reason youíre getting half a star. Actually, scratch that. Zero stars is what you deserve. Not that it matters, but still. The rest of you deserves to be banned, and thatís coming from a person whoís against censorship of any kind.

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